Telha
Not from my real Instagram account. Oh no, I’m not that bold/tragic. I follow you from my ‘finsta’ account. Which is an abbreviation for ‘fake Instagram’.
Yes, if you see someone called Sir_Oatmeal_fuffy_pants17393 then it’s me. Peekaboo.
I know all about your recent travels. What you ate at that fancy restaurant the other day and I was even there to witness your hard launch as a couple on Instagram.
I’ve seen it all. Usually at around midnight on a Tuesday when I’m wide awake and the mind is racing.
What’s crazy is that even after I’ve overcome the heart-wrenching feelings for my ex, I will probably still follow you. Because what was once an initial need to obtain as much information as I can about the person who has replaced me, often turns into a fond interest.
In fact, just last night I was in a deep scroll of an Instagram account of a replacement girlfriend from seven years ago. She kicked my ex to kerb a while ago, but she’s a fabulous interior designer and I genuinely love seeing her work featured on her insta page.
Truth be told, should I win the lottery I would very much like to hire her one day.
What started as pure jealousy (yes, I can admit it) has turned into admiration. From afar and behind a fake Instagram account. But an admiration, nonetheless.
I think he was a doofus for messing up that relationship. She has style, a hilarious sense of humour, and the things she can do with a feature wall is truly amazing. If I ever lose my horniness for men and end up swinging the other way, I would happily slide into her DMs.
We’re a curious species and we love nothing more than collecting data. Whether it makes us feel better or worse, we can’t help ourselves.
So at the end of the day, perhaps we all need to put down our damn phones. Yes, I may be talking to myself here. At least in the early days of heartbreak. No good comes from those late-night scrolls. Well, unless you’re looking for a fabulous interior designer, in which case I really can recommend a fabulous one.
Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking
