DADADEL
Dear mom,
Thank you. Thank you for showing me how to NEVER treat my kids. Growing up, I always felt like you hated me. Or that I was a burden for you to take care of. I get I was #4 out of 5 kids. I get that it’s a lot to handle as a stay-at-home parent. But you gave up on me way too quickly. When it came to my sister, who is 21 months older than me, you were her loudest cheerleader. Anything she wanted to do, you were all in. 100%. I never understood why she was always treated better. Like she was special. I never felt special. Or like you were proud of me. Never encouraged or pushed me to figure out what I wanted in life. To push myself to aim as high as I could. To believe in myself. All you did was yell at me. All you were was angry and distant. Never could see the positive. Immediately points out the negatives. I had a string of “boyfriends” through high school and they were all terrible. Of course, I wasn’t the best judge of character at the time. But you never taught me how to respect myself and how to find respect in others. I immediately moved out at 18. With a boyfriend of course, who was 24. He didn’t have shit figured out himself. But the s3x was great. The wake-up call came when I ended up pregnant. I told my sister first because I guess it was easier. Maybe a trial run? I was terrified. More terrified than I had ever been. All I needed was for you to be there and help me figure out what to do. My safety net. We go to lunch. I finally spit it out. You call me a coward for bringing you to a public place. I’ve never seen you so angry. But then again, you were always mad at me for something. So it wasn’t too surprising, unfortunately. You didn’t talk to me for days. And then you showed up at the house to talk to me. Told me I had to get an abortion, or you would HATE me. That broke me. So I did. Alone. I got dropped off by my then-boyfriend (the father). He left me there and then picked me up after it was done. He dropped me off at home (we had broken up, so I had to move back in with you and dad) and I never heard from him again. You left me in my room for months without saying a word to me. I was so depressed and alone. You did not say a word to me. All I needed was for you to be there for me. For SOMEONE to be there for me. Shit, YOU were the one to make me do it. Told me “It’s just a bunch of cells right now, it doesn’t matter.”
Yeah, a lot doesn’t matter to you, seems like. Now I’m 27. I have an incredible, loving husband who is the exact opposite of everything you are. He SHOWS ME he cares. He TELLS ME how he feels. He goes out of his way to make me smile and laugh. I have 2 beautiful girls who teach me new things every day. Who need me to teach them to be strong. Courageous. Loving. Teach them their worth, and to never let someone else’s words or opinions of them change how they view themselves. To believe that they are beautiful and smart and to follow their hearts and be HAPPY.
And here I am. Struggling with bipolar and anxiety. No confidence. I can never get out of my head to enjoy the shit right in front of me. I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to a career because I don’t know what I’m good at or how to apply any of my skills. When I get low, I have trouble seeing the future. Because I never thought I belonged there. When I was little, 5 or 6, I used to wish I was sick, just because I wanted your attention. I used to fantasize about getting in an accident and dying because I felt like you wouldn’t even miss me. Now, I feel that way, and it doesn’t make sense. I have an amazing family who loves me and NEEDS me.
I wish I could say that I forgive you. I want to. I want my girls to have that amazing relationship with their grandma that loves the shit out of them, that brags to all their friends and strangers about their grandbabies. One that comes over and spends time with them and can’t get enough. But you aren’t. Once your kids “grew up” (chronologically, not maturely), you checked out. Do you even wonder why 3/5 of your kids have moved away from you? I can give you 2 of them.
I wish I could tell you that I wanna fix it. That I want you to change. That I am actually going to send you this CVS receipt of things you’ve done to me. But I won’t. I can’t. I deserve better. My kids deserve better. I deserve to be happy. My family deserves to thrive.
I can’t love you anymore.
-Your daughter.
