DADADEL
Dear K,
I’m fine now without you.
Fighting has never been my strong suit. I don’t know how to handle fights properly and I don’t know how to control my temper. But I would like to think that I always try to speak to you with kindness and respect.
This has been our longest fight yet. It started with me being the one who was upset, then I did something to make you mad, and then you became upset. You asked for space and no contact, knowing full well that this is my greatest anxiety trigger because of my abandonment issues, then got mad at me for expressing that I am feeling displaced.
I am not being dramatic. I am trying to communicate. I am being repetitive because you do not want to acknowledge what is happening, or that you caused it because of your lack of empathy for me as well. No matter the situation, no matter if I’m mad at you or have asked for space, I have always cared for your well-being, but you have shown me that it is quite easy for you to NOT care about me at all when you are mad. I feel like I am trash, easily disposed of on the side of the road.
I am upset because the partner I had wished to build a life with thinks my expressing my anxieties translates to weaponizing my feelings. Not everything is an attack against you. Sometimes, I just want you to know what your actions and decisions are making me feel because you’ve become so mad so many times that I didn’t communicate. Now, here I am trying to communicate, and suddenly I am a villain. I don’t know anymore.
I’m tired of trying to understand what place I should take. All the love in my heart won’t be enough to fuel me if things don’t change.
I am okay now. I’ve gotten used to sleeping alone and not hearing from you. I’ve gotten used to not seeing you and not waiting for your call. It’s sad, and a little pathetic, but although I miss you I know I’m going to be alright.
Will I give it another chance? Maybe. Who knows. But I’ll be alright either way.
So here’s my farewell to the blind and undying devotion I once had for you. I no longer want to bend boundaries and give allowances you haven’t earned just because I love you. You are free to leave at any time. Because now, I know I’ll be fine.
I’m ready to let go if you are.
All my love,
A.
